I’ve written this post in my head 193 times, at least. I’ve been on the verge of publishing it before, but then I get scared and don’t sit down to write it. I make notes about things to add or change, and then I hide the notes away so no one can see them. You’d think I was plotting some highly secret and super complex world takeover.
Maybe I am …
(like just now, I deleted 2 full paragraphs and began them again because I decided after 3 minutes that I didn’t like them enough … le sigh)
I have a secret, internet. The sad part is it’s probably not that secret at all anymore. I’ve been trying to let on little by little as to, I don’t know, not draw attention or cause the next Inquisition. It’s a huge secret in my head, though. My psyche and inherent tendency toward anxiety have inflated it to epic proportions of fear and immediacy in my brain. I haven’t been giving this new bloggy link to anyone I know except this girl (who you should go visit immediately because her photography lately is out.of.control.) because I knew when I started writing here this thing needed a place to be said, and I wanted the option once I said it to pretend it never happened.
I’m ridiculous.
This doubletalk and second guessing is a lot of work. I don’t like it. I’d rather be open (like I am about um, basically everything else whether anyone likes it or not) and able to have conversations and not trail off into mumbles when I start letting things slip. This whole thing puts a lot of weight on my brain and my heart. It probably shouldn’t. It should be a lot more fun, but this closet I’ve created around it is oppressively small and getting a little stuffy.
And so, I’m giving up that closet for Lent.
Yes, for Lent. You heard me right. This girl, right here, is throwing open her self-imposed closet door and stepping out into the light for whatever happens next. The pride of thinking I had (have?) everything right is something I should go without. The comfort of not being challenged is a comfort I don’t deserve. So, here it is, world: This girl, born an Ojibwe and baptized a Protestant; who chose to grow up a Jew (and by grow up, I mean after say, age 13, when one can make these kinds of choices) and was once so disenfranchised with the greed and unacceptable leadership of organized religion (especially Western Christianity) that she once thought atheism didn’t look too bad …
This girl, now goes to church (and likes it, loves it, even).
This girl, after years of searching and hours of secret conversations, feels like she gets it.
This girl, says prayers of gratitude while she does yoga now, and before she eats, and before she sleeps, and she thinks it feels like the universe is listening to her … like she isn’t alone and talking to herself.
This girl, has found a new understanding of the Gospel.
This girl, two days from now, will begin observing Lent for the very first time, and at the end of those 40+ days she will give confession and take communion which she has not ever done once in her whole life.
This girl, is putting pride aside so that she can tell you this. She’s afraid people will judge, people that know and love her. She’s afraid to be wrong. She’s afraid to be one of those kooky people she talked so much smack about for so long, but she has wanted to desperately to tell you for a loooooong time, to share with you, to tell you stories and muddle over things she’s thinking about.
And she should probably stop speaking in the third person at some point.
So, there. I said it. Yes, me, the girl you least expected.
I’m feeling better already. Now, to convince myself to actually click publish this time …
Be gentle, please.
❤
Em.
This post is linked to Katie’s Lent Link-Up and Laura’s Gratituesday. They’re both rockstars you should be reading, and gentle voices that helped me realize that this journey was worth going on.
12 comments
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February 16, 2010 at 03:51
Brit
go you. fuck them. ❤
February 16, 2010 at 05:33
godandchocolate
I don’t know you, and I only found your blog thru Kitchen Stewardship today. Just wanted to encourage you on your journey and say that I will be praying for you this Lent. You have great courage…even if it doesn’t feel like that right now!
February 16, 2010 at 16:08
mrstitlow
What an amazing journey you’re on! There will be valleys in your journey but without those you’ll never see the top of the mountains. Congrats and Welcome!!
When I say…” I am a Christian”
I’m not shouting “I am saved”
I’m whispering “I get lost”
“That is why I chose this way”
When I say…”I am a Christian”
I don’t speak of this with pride
I’m confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide
When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not trying to be strong
I’m professing that I’m weak
and pray for strength to carry on
When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not bragging of success
I’m admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt
When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are all too visible
but God believes I’m worth it
When I say…”I am a Christian”
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name
When I say…”I am a Christian”
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I’m loved.
February 17, 2010 at 04:16
jesuisem
@g-dandchocolate: Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate the kind words. I need all the help I can get.
@mrstitlow: Thanks for those words. I hadn’t really thought about it that way. I’m still getting used to identifying myself this way … obviously. Ha. Even the internet didn’t really know until yesterday. I like the way you put it, though. Thanks again for commenting!
February 17, 2010 at 19:07
'Becca
Come on out! It’s good to see you! 🙂
I was raised Unitarian but joined The Episcopal Church as a teenager, and I love it more all the time. I totally relate to your self-consciousness. I have many friends whose opinion of Christians in general is pretty low, so it’s difficult to be “out” to them without fearing their judgment. I’m very aware that there ARE small-minded, evil people who use their self-identification as Christians as an excuse for their sins, and I flinch at associating myself with them. On the other hand, sometimes when I’m talking with lifelong devoted Christians, I feel like a fraud because I still have so much to learn.
Mrs. Titlow, I love the poem! Did you write it yourself?
February 17, 2010 at 20:57
jesuisem
@’Becca: I totally get what you’re saying. There’s a lot of confusion circulating at my house because although I posted this blog and linked it to someone on facebook, the majority of the people I love haven’t come across it. This breeds confusion when they then see me with an ash cross on my forehead. That confusion spills out in tension, which I get, I mean, we all fear the unknown and change. I’m trying to frame it as them being afraid that my changing means change for them, which it doesn’t really, and that as I open up more, they’ll be more open to understanding.
Though, the conversation I had with my little brother earlier today where he read me the riot act for “not being able to pick a religion” (although I’ve only ever been affiliated with uh … 2 … 1 of them being this one right now) was a little difficult to swallow.
I’ll get there, I suppose. I don’t have the stomach to stand up and say, “This is who I am. Deal with it.” yet. I’m trying.
February 18, 2010 at 18:16
Jennifer (Conversion Diary)
I can relate to so much of what you wrote in this post. I was raised to be an atheist and defined myself by atheism all my life, so when I started going to church I felt really self-conscious about it. I often joked that I would have been less embarrassed for someone to see my going into a porn store than a church. 🙂
I also observed Lent for the first time just a few years ago, and it was amazing. I’ll keep you in my prayers!
February 18, 2010 at 20:51
Amy @ Finer Things
What a beautiful post that had to be very hard to write. Good for you!
February 19, 2010 at 03:25
Laura@HeavenlyHomemakers
Wow. This post is incredible. You are so awesome and brave to share. Beautifully written.
I SO understand the writing and deleting and rewriting and deleting…
God bless you for hitting publish. You go girl!
February 19, 2010 at 05:57
jesuisem
@Jennifer: I’m so happy you stopped by, and honored you commented. I’ve been (secretly?) reading Conversion Diary for quite awhile. You were one of the first internet resources I found when I started thinking …”Could this really be me?”, and I’ve been following along since then. While I’m not certain I’ll go the route of Catholicism, I am so glad your blog is out there for people like me to read (and I can’t wait for the book!).
@Amy: Thanks! I’m also a Finer Things reader and appreciate how much you incorporate faith into blogging. Your stories of Tiny Town are always really touching.
@Laura: Thanks, love. I’m trying to be brave, though it’s a little easier in the world of the internet anonymity than it is in the world of face to face interactions. I did link this post to a friend on facebook, which was kind of my way of baby stepping to “Here you go, world. Read it if you want.”, but I don’t know that many (most?) people I know either read it or put the pieces together that it’s me since Em is not exactly my real name.
I’m hoping I get there eventually, ladies. All of your comments are surely helping me remember it’s not just me. Thanks!
March 16, 2010 at 15:10
Katie @ Kitchen Stewardship
Em,
It’s definitely “not just you” out there. I thought I’d check in on the ol’ Lenten promises halfway through Lent to inspire folks to keep on truckin’ and recommit in case they’ve forgotten what they wanted to do, and here I find you. Amazing. I am so proud of you for taking this journey, and for sharing it in public. Know that you are blessed in the confusion and in the persecution!
I’m honored that you shared with us!
🙂 Katie
March 16, 2010 at 15:34
jesuisem
Thanks, Katie. I really appreciate you stopping by with kind words. It’s getting easier, being “out” about this new part of my life, but I’m also starting to get anxious about the end of Lent and Easter. I have a big decision to make (to confess and communion or not to) and I think all big decisions probably inspire some level of doubt. Thanks for coming by. I really appreciate it and all you do.