We are not friends, you and I.

Is it really necessary for me to fill out 198 pages of fill-in-the-blank gobblty gook to get into your precious school?  I mean, ok, you need some demographic information and the low down on my grades, but … I graduated from YOUR college in 2006 (damn, that was kind of awhile ago …).  Can’t you find this shit somewhere in your massive computer system?  Can’t you just type my little name into the Banner system and Voila! all of the information you’ll ever need will appear?  Why must I waste my time filling it out by hand for you?  Shouldn’t there be an express lane for your own alums?

Pretty please?

And, what the hell is up with this recommendation process?  It’s bad enough I have to get on my knees (by email) and beg professors who haven’t heard my name in at least 4 years to write glowing letters about how much of a badass I am (or was …), but you also want them to fill out a separate form in addition, plus put the two in separate envelopes, plus follow special instructions to sign the envelope seals in a special way?!  These are sociology professors, people.  They are not naturally inclined to intense order.

And, why can’t they mail those forms to you?  Why can’t I send them little stamps along with the envelopes I supplied so they can just drop it in the mail, which is frickin’ annoying that it would require stamps anyway because your office is literally 100 yards from their offices, but whatever … why can’t I do that?  Why must I physically GO to them and PICK them up so I can put them all in one envelope per your instructions?  Do the people that sort your mail not read well?  Can they not organize things by category?  I promise I would label everything clearly enough that trained monkeys could figure it out.

And, can we talk about personal statements for a second?  Do you really need two of them?  Are you going to get pissed when mine goes something like, “Hey, I like making no money and hanging out with poor people.  I won’t feed you any BS reasons why I want to “save the world” like all the other bourgeois applicants.  It’s the right thing to do.  Let me in.  Thanks.” ?  Is that going to offend your elitist academic sensibilities?  Do you think I really need 5 pages worth of space to write a bunch of fru-fru BS I don’t believe and you can’t possibly think is legit after reading 129 other peoples’?

To be clear, I don’t.

I could write all of it on a sticky note.  Em likes poor people because she is one.  Em likes people that wander off occasionally and get lost because she does.  Em likes listening because she’s a talker.  Em likes those who struggle because she knows she isn’t perfect.  Em likes loving the unloveable because she used to think she was.  Em wants to do this not because it’s cool or popular or a great advancement of her career or financial security (ha! what is that exactly?!), but because it’s the right frickin’ thing to do.  (and because third person is sooooo much fun!)

G-d is love.  Whoever lives in love, lives in G-d and G-d in him.  1 John 4:16

How’s that for a personal statement, graduate admissions committee?

Now, hows about you just let me into your stinkin’ program and we skip all this intermediary nonsense?  Mmmk?  Please?